Home Is Where The Hurt Is
by crowfeathers32
Summary: Susie goes back to the dark world, alone. She doesn't plan on leaving any time soon.


She's cold. It's snowing, and she wraps her arms around herself, though it doesn't help very much. Thunder, in the distance. It's loud, and it shakes the very Earth itself. Thundersnow, the weather people on the radio had called it.

She feels like she's forgetting something.

She's almost home. It's in view now, the small, worn down single wide she's lived in her entire life. She can see it now, old and worn and lonesome. The lights are on.

Maybe he's waiting for her.

She has to lift her arms to push the tall grass out of her way. Since when had the grass grown this high? She can't remember. She's not wearing mittens, and the ice particles bite into her hands sharply.

Maybe the grass has always been that high.

The process just makes her arms more sore, but it will be worth it, to come inside from the cold and snow. She can warm up, chase the cold away from her bones. Maybe she'll make some hot chocolate.

She's so cold.

She's at the door now, knees feeling like they're about to give out any minute. She's tired and weak, but she's made it. A chill works its way down her spine, making her shudder, but she lifts her hand and sets it on the doorknob anyway.

It won't turn.

Her eyes go wide, and she tries to turn the knob again. It doesn't budge. She curses, a puff of white escaping her lips and nostrils. It gets lost in the white all around her. Still shivering, she raises a trembling hand and knocks on the door.

There's no response.

Why are the lights on, then? He has to be home. "Come on, Dad, it's really cold out here," she rasps out, her voice just barely carrying over the storm. She knocks again, louder this time.

The wind is picking up now.

She knocks again, desperate. " _Dad_ , come on, I'm c-"

Her hand hangs in the air, and a chill colder than the winter air suddenly runs down her spine.

He's there, in front of the dining room window, holding her soul in his hand and smiling at her. The words die in her throat.

She's going to die out here, and there he is, smiling at her as if nothing is wrong.

She's so cold.

Susie wakes in a cold sweat, sitting up and flinging the covers off herself in a single motion. Panting, she forces down the urge to scream. Her mouth opens anway, and a sound somewhere between a hiss and squeak works its way out.

This is the fourth day in a row that she's had the same nightmare. It's always the same. She's cold and freezing and he's just _there._ Watching her, smiling as she dies.

Susie closes her eyes and shakes her head vigorously, as if to shake the nightmare out of her brain entirely. It doesn't work, of course. The nightmare's afterimage still lingers. She opens her eyes again and frowns deeply.

God, her room is such a mess. Clothes, both dirty and clean, are strewn about, homework carelessly thrown into a corner. Her face curls into a frown at the empty place on her desk where her computer had been up until yesterday. Thanks, Alphys.

She should probably do her homework before it's late, actually. She lets herself fall back down into bed. It's Saturday. She doesn't have anywhere to be. Since when has she cared about homework, anyway?

She hasn't cared about anything for a while now, really. Although recently…

Her mind turns back to the dark world. If Kris hadn't been there with her the first time, she probably would have assumed that she ate something that messed her up and she'd just hallucinated the entire thing.

They've gone back and visited a few times now, though neither one of them have been able to spend nearly as much time as they would like.

She had wanted go back again yesterday, but she never got the chance. For once, Alphys decided that she had a spine, and had the brilliant idea of calling and informing Susie's father that she'd skipped class again this week.

Susie winces reflexively and tears herself out of bed. Suddenly, she doesn't want to be home right now. What she she really wants to do is text Kris and tell them to meet her at the school, but her father has yet to relinquish her cell phone, so she'll just have talk to them in person.

Actually, screw Kris. They'll know where she went. Her eyes narrow, and her mind is set: she's going to visit the dark world again today, consequences be damned.

She makes sure to lock her bedroom door before gently opening the window. The spring breeze is warm, but on second thought, she turns back for her backpack. The backpack is swiftly relieved of its contents, mostly stolen school supplies that she never uses, and promptly re-filled with several fist-fulls of hopefully clean clothes.

She wants to take her phone, but of course it's been confiscated too. She _could_ sneak into her father's room to retrieve it. She could also get her ass beat again. She shakes her head at herself. Why had she even wanted to come back? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She hefts the backpack over her shoulder and swings a leg out the window, ignoring her growling stomach. She'll get something to eat later, she promises herself. It's not like there's anything to eat at home, anyway.

Susie frowns at the classroom window. As practiced as she is at delinquency, she's never gone far enough to break into the school. Of course, the doors are all locked now, so it looks like she gets to smash a window today. Totally fine with her, really. It's probably the one thing she hasn't done yet.

Unfortunately, the surrounding area is woefully void of anything useful, like a loose brick or large rock. She should have accounted for this, but naturally, she'd rushed herself along without thinking anything through. She curls her hands into fists, nails digging into her palms. She's stupid and impulsive. This whole thing would be a lot easier if she had just used her brain and brought a rock from her yard with her.

Without stopping to think about it, she finds her fist going through the window.

It hurts.

She cringes at her own impulsive act, dust starting to slowly seep out of her freshly wounded hand and wrist. Well, it can't be helped now. It takes a few moments of half-blind struggling before she's able locate the lock and undo it, and by then she's sure she's left a small pile of dust on the classroom floor. Whatever.

It would be nice to know healing magic right now, but that's Ralsei's job, isn't it? Maybe he'll have some cakes waiting for her, too. The idea makes her stomach rumble again, and she licks her chops. She still hasn't had breakfast yet. Soon, she assures herself.

After pushing the window up, it's not difficult for her to simply pull herself up and inside. She lands ungracefully, face-planting into the floor hard enough to make her vision go blurry for a moment. As suspected, there is indeed a tiny puddle of white dust on the floor and naturally her lands in it. She grimaces and brushes it off as best as she can.

At least she's in, now.

Picking herself up, she sets towards the supply closest. Maybe she'll stop by Alphys' classroom and help herself to some chalk.

Susie grunts as she hits the ground again, cold and damp. She still has no idea _why_ the supply closet leads to another world, or how her and Kris had managed to activate it, or how she activated it again this time, but she's thankful for it. Hopefully, it'll be the last time she ever needs to use it.

Standing up and dusting herself off for the second time today, she sets in the direction of what she now knows is Castle Town. She has to visit with Lancer, obviously, but right now she wants to get her hand healed and maybe put some food in her belly.

She's so hungry. Her father hasn't bought food in at least a week. Just booze and cheap cigarettes. The weekends are always the worst, but they hadn't been _too_ bad until she'd been banned from free ham sandwich day. Sure, there was a limit on how many you could take, and she had helped herself to thrice that amount, but she needed that food, damn it. It's not like the other kids needed it so badly.

Shaking her head, she folds her arms and resolves herself to stop thinking about it. She'll get fed soon, she reminds herself. She keeps walking.

Not too long later, Castle Town appears in the distance. Now that she's more familiar with the dark world, the trip isn't nearly as long or nerve-wracking as it had been last time. Thank. God.

She doesn't even have to fully enter the castle before she sees Ralsei. The strange little goat is all wrapped up in his robes again, looking creepier than he has any right to.

"Oh! Hi, Susie!" Obnoxiously cheerful as ever, he nods off the hood and beams at her.

"Yeah, hi." Face feeling hot, she thrusts her arm out at the mage. "Can you-"

She doesn't even get to finish her question before the warmth of healing magic floods her senses. "All you have to do is ask, Susie! I'm always happy to help."

Susie looks down and grunts as way of thanks. She should really thank him properly, but…

Before the silence can get too awkward, Ralsei asks, "So, um, what brings you back to the dark world? You seemed very eager to return home, earlier." And then, quieter, "Did Kris come with you?"

Apparently, he's not even interested about how her hurt her hand. Oh well. It's not like she wanted to share that she had punched glass like the moronic shithead she is anyway.

"I, uh, wanted to come back and visit." The weight of the backpack is finally threatening to be too heavy, but she ignores it. "And maybe, um, stay. Forever."

"Oh," Ralsei responds, obviously slightly taken aback.

"And no. Kris didn't come with me." She shoves her hands into her pockets, and then takes them back out. "Do you have any food around here?"

Ralsei ends up giving Susie a tour of the castle while she eats, breadcrumbs probably littering the entire castle afterwords. By the time he's finished showing her around, she's exhausted but fed.

Luckily, the last room he shows her has a bed in it, and she doesn't bother unpacking her backpack before throwing herself on to it. It's simply shrugged off her shoulders and hurled into a corner, much like her homework from earlier.

There's a slight cloud of dust - thankfully not the kind that comes from monsters - that rises up after she launches herself on to the bed, and it makes both her and Ralsei sneeze.

"Are you alright, Susie?"

Apparently he's not going to just take the damn hint and let her sleep, so she rolls over onto her back to stare up at the ceiling. There's cobwebs up there, she notes faintly.

"What do you mean? I feel fine. I just haven't slept well in a while." It's only a slight lie. She does not feel fine. She feels _tired._ She really should have dusted off the bed before jumping into it. Oh well. She's sure as hell not getting up now.

"Um, well, I've noticed you aren't making fun of me as much as you were before."

Susie laughs, snorts, and ends up sucking in so much dust she has a coughing fit. Ralsei waits patiently by the doorway the entire time.

Finally, she's able to breathe again, so she says, as smugly as she can muster, "Damn, did you like having me make fun of you? Because I can start again, Too-"

"That's not what I meant at all, Susie! I'm just… a little worried about you. Did you even eat today, before you got here?"

She scowls up at the ceiling. "Can we talk about this later?" Or never. Never would be better, really. "I'm really tired, dude."

"Oh! I'm sorry, it didn't occur to me that you might be tired. Okay, I'm leaving now. But you know where to find me!" His cheerful voice trails down the hallway, and Susie sighs in relief. At least he didn't offer to sing her a lullaby.

Hopefully, he'll have forgotten about his concerns by the time she wakes up from her nap.

When she wakes, it takes her several panicky moments to remember where she is. She must have fallen asleep almost as soon as Ralsei left; she's still on top of the blankets, staring up at the cobwebs. Sitting up, she finds herself having to wipe drool off the corner of her mouth. She must have slept hard, because she definitely feels more refreshed than she has in a while. It's nice to wake up feeling full for once.

And no nightmares, this time.

How long was she asleep? It would be nice to have her cellphone, even if it doesn't work in the dark world. At the very least, it made for a good clock last time she was here. Maybe Kris can get it for her next time they visit, when they visit again.

Either way, she forces herself out of bed. She'll probably regret it next time she wants to sleep, but she decides to leave the room as-is for now. She can figure out what to do about the dusty bedding later.

True to his word, Ralsei is exactly where he promised he would be. He smiles at her pleasantly.

"Did you have a good rest, Susie?"

She shrugs before leaning back on the wall. "I guess. Yeah."

Without Kris and Lancer around, it's a bit awkward, but Susie can live with awkward.

"The sheets are dusty." She folds her arms.

"Well, nobody's used that bedroom in a long time." His voice is more apologetic than it really needs to be. "I've been meaning to get everything dusted and washed since you and Kris started spending time with us, though!"

"Oh," she grunts. She hadn't really cared about the sheets. "Yeah, I don't know when Kris is coming. I kind of came here without telling them. It's the weekend, though, so it's gonna be at least a day or two."

"Then why are you here, Susie?" Even with his face obscured, she can tell he's frowning thoughtfully. "I mean, not that I'm not happy that you are! It's just-"

She cuts him off with a laugh. "Yeah, it's just strange. I get it."

A moment passes, and she lets out a low sigh. "I uh, got in trouble by coming here so much-"

"Oh, no!"

"-and, uh." Her breath catches, throat tightening. "I'm not going back. There's nothing for me back there." Her voice is starting to choke, so she stops talking. Pathetic.

"W-well, I'm sure Lancer will be happy to hear that you're staying!" Ralsei's doing his best to keep upbeat, but even he can't mask that tiny ounce of tightness in his voice.

At some point, both Susie and Ralsei had enough standing around making strained small talk, so now she's helping him clean the slightly neglected castle. It's only fair, really, considering how much of his food she's already helped herself to.

"I freakin' hate cobwebs." Susie announces as she relieves the ceiling of another dusty cobweb with a broom, scowling at it.

"I think that's the last of them, Susie!"

"Thank. God."

"For this part of the castle, at least."

God damn it.

Susie wants to launch the broom at Ralsei like a spear, but she settles for clenching her fists around the broom handle instead.

"Well I'm not doing anymore tonight, okay? Wait. Do you guys even have night and day here? Or is it all the same?"

"It's always the same time here." There's something wistful in his voice, but she ignores it. She doesn't want to talk about her world.

She leans the broom up against the wall before turning to face Ralsei. "Oh. It must get pretty samey here then, huh?"

Ralsei shrugs. "Maybe a little bit, before you and Kris started showing up."

Susie grins. "You know, you bring up Kris a lot."

Ralsei sputters, cheeks turning red. "T-that's not-"

"Sure, dude. _Sure_." Her grin slips. "I mean, I'm pretty sure they like you back-"

" _Susie!"_

She shakes the hair out of her face to look him in the eye. "Alright, alright, sorry. Jeez." There's another small silence before Susie says, "I could tell Kris th-"

" _Susie."_

"Heh. Okay, I won't say anything. I'm kinda hungry from all that cleaning now, though."

"Susie, please don't lick the batter straight out of the bowls," Ralsei whines, trying to thrust a spoon at her. She ignores his protests entirely, shoving her snout further into the mixing bowl.

"Hell. No. This is amazing." Maybe not as filling as a ham sandwich, but honestly? Food is food. And it's _cake._

"You're supposed to be learning how to cook, not eating right out the bowls!" Poor Ralsei sounds genuinely distressed.

Satisfied that the last of the batter has been licked out of the bowl, Susie shows it to Ralsei and laughs, hoarse and rough. "Hey, I'm helping! It's clean now, see?"

Ralsei shakes his head, but he's smiling.

Several days pass like this, Susie and Ralsei falling into a routine of spending most of their time cleaning the neglected castle, breaking for cooking lessons, meals, and sleep. It's a bit bland, but it's better than her old life.

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, it occurs to her that she hasn't had a single nightmare since she'd come back to the dark world. At this point, the castle feels more like home than her actual home ever had.

Honestly, it's surprising just how much Ralsei has let the castle go. It's not like he had had anything more important to do. Apparently, he had spent most of his life simply waiting for the other two supposed heroes to show up. Laying in the (hers, now, if she stops to think about it) finally non-dusty bed, Susie can't help but find that a bit sad.

She's still pretty sure she's not one of the heroes anyway.

She groans, back aching slightly from the work. Yesterday had been so busy. Her and Ralsei had taken the time to visit Lancer, finally. Despite not being friends for very long, he had seemed a bit off. Of course, having a father in prison doesn't quite make for pleasant chit-chat, but…

Really, she should be jealous. She could only wish for her father to be put in jail where he belongs. But Lancer's still young enough to still want to try and love his father, and he obviously takes no pleasure in this situation.

He's lucky. As far as Susie knows, he's never been beaten. Just threatened with beatings.

Susie groans and sits up. It's too early to be thinking about that kind of bullshit. She's in for another day of cleaning, and she should dread it, but there's something about how simple life here has been that she can't bring herself to dislike it. The only thing she really misses is her phone - and sunlight.

She's been sleeping in her day clothes, so she doesn't bother changing before leaving her bedroom to find Ralsei and find out what part of the castle needs cleaning next.

Instead of finding Ralsei, she finds him and Kris. Kris is wearing their typical blank expression, currently chowing down on one of yesterday's cupcakes and nodding along to whatever Ralsei is telling them. Neither one of them have noticed her approach.

"Hey," she greets.

"Good morning, Susie!" Ralsei lets out cheerfully. "Kris is back!"

"Yeah. I can see that." She yawns, lazily making her way to where the rest of the cupcakes are. "Hi, Kris." With a single bite, the cupcake is half-obliterated. "Did you bring my cellphone?"

"No," Kris mutters, never taking their eyes off their own half-eaten cupcake.

"Bummer."

"You should come home, Susie," Kris says in-between bites of cupcake. "Everyone is worried about you." Their voice is flat as ever.

"Nah. I like it here better." She folds her arms. "I'm not going back, Kris."

Ralsei doesn't say anything, suddenly finding the frayed hem of his scarf fascinating.

"Alphys thinks it's her fault."

Oh, there it is. "Her fault I got my ass beat again?" Her hands curl into fists, nails digging into her palms hard enough to start breaking skin. "Yeah, it _is_ kind of her fault."

Ralsei makes a coughing, sputtering noise, but thankfully keeps his mouth shut.

Kris, passive as ever, shrugs at her. It's the most expressive she's seen them in a while. "She shouldn't have told your dad anything, no. But you should really come home." They finish their cupcake, somehow managing to not smear the icing on their mouth.

"Kris, you don't-" Damn it, her eyes are starting to sting. "You don't know what it's like for me back there, Kris. It's- I like it better here, okay?" She blinks back the moisture in her eyes.

"Noelle misses you." They sit rigidly still, and if Susie didn't know any better it would seem as if they're entirely disinterested in the conversation.

"Noelle?" Susie frowns. "I don't think I've ever talked to her. Why would she care if I'm gone? Hell, I'm shocked anyone even noticed."

"She has a huge crush on you," Kris states blandly.

Oh, that's it. They're just playing with her now. Susie launches herself forward towards Kris, grabbing a fistful of their shirt collar and leans in close, their faces almost touching. She gives her best snarl, but the effect is probably weakened with cupcake breath.

" _Shut. Up."_

Ralsei tries and fails to get between them, not that he could do much about it. "H-hey! Don't fight, okay?"

Glowering, she releases her grip on Kris. They barely seem to react.

"Um-" Ralsei starts to say something, but she cuts him off.

"I'm going to my room." She makes sure to stomp her boots with each step for emphasis.

Somewhere, an owl hoots, melancholy. She ignores it. The soil is pitch black. Her back aches, hands throbbing with pain, but she thrusts the shovel back into the cold earth and keeps digging. It's in there somewhere. She just has to keep digging. Alphys stole it from her and hid it somewhere down here, and Susie needs it back.

She doesn't know how long she's been out here, digging, but from the pale moonlight she can tell she's starting to get close. She could swear she hears it, low and steady and incomplete. She's not sure if she needs it or it needs her but either way, she's going to dig it up and put it back where it belongs.

Her chest feels so empty without her soul.

There's a hint of red under the soil now, and Susie throws the shovel carelessly over her back before dropping to her knees to dig it out by hand. She scrapes at the ground, ignoring the chilly, damp dirt that gets under her nails with each scrape.

Finally, it's uncovered, and Susie carefully brushes the dirt away from the shimmering soul before cupping it in her hands and lifting it up to properly look at it.

She now brings it to her chest, willing it to go back where it belongs.

It

won't

go

in.

Empty and aching, she frantically presses her soul against her chest again. Nothing happens.

She screams.

Susie wakes up mid-scream, the pain of being soulless bleeding into the waking world. Fists curling and uncurling, chest heaving, she tries to steady herself.

Then there's a knock on the door, and she nearly jumps.

"Susie?" Ralsei's soft voice calls out.

"I'm- I'm fine," she rasps out, trying not to heave.

"Can we come in?"

We? Has Kris not left yet?

She's still wearing her regular dark world clothes - she hadn't thought to bring pajamas - so there's really no reason to say no. She doesn't want to.

"I just woke up," she barks. "Give me a second, damn." There's no way she's having any kind of conversation while she's still in bed.

Reluctantly, she pulls herself out of bed and opens the door to the sight of Ralsei and Kris, and she pushes past them.

"Food," she states plainly.

"I have to go back soon," Kris says bluntly. "You should come with me."

They're out of cupcakes, so she helps herself to a loaf of bread. It's nice to have food consistently available.

Kris almost, _almost_ manages a frown. It's impressive, for them. "Are you even listening?"

She finishes chewing before responding, unsure if she should be giving Kris dirty looks or ignoring them. She settles for staring at her food.

"I told you. I'm not going back there. Like, oh no, I'm missing." She scowls. "How sad. For the, what? Three people that have even bothered to realize I exist? And don't even try to tell me that people aren't _happy_ that I'm gone."

"Susie…" The goat has managed to keep quiet for a record amount of time, but now he tried to join the conversation.

"Shut up, toothpa- this isn't any of your business, Ralsei."

"I just didn't know you felt that way, Susie," he finishes quietly, playing with the hem of his scarf.

"So you won't come back with me?" Kris stands impossibly still.

"No." She shakes her head. "And I don't care if Alphys is upset because, yeah, it _was_ her fault. So just, please, go away..." Susie looks down, trailing off.

Silence.

She keeps her head down, hair blocking her vision.

Heavy footsteps.

Ralsei's voice pipes up. "Kris?"

When she looks up, Kris is already out of sight.

"Oh," Ralsei says, voice quiet.

"Oh," Susie repeats, flat.

Neither one of them say anything for a while.

"I, uh." Her neck is sore from staring down at the floor for so long, but she doesn't move. "I can go somewhere else if you don't want me around."

"But Susie, I want you here! We're a team, right?"

"I thought we were the fun gang."

"See? I'm sure Kris won't stay mad for long."

"Maybe I should bake an apology cake," she deadpans.

Ralsei claps his paws together. "That's a great idea, Susie!"

Susie just exhales sharply, bringing her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Of course he missed her sarcasm.

She stands up, neck protesting with a sharp pain. "I'm gonna go back to sleep."

If she did sleep, she didn't have any dreams. She might have just laid in bed long enough to get more tired than usual. She's still not sure. She's definitely not going to fall asleep again (if she even did in the first place,) so she wrenches herself out of bed.

The passing of time here is hard to follow, without a proper twenty-four hour day cycle. Ralsei seems to feel that Kris is overdue for a visit, but Susie isn't so sure.

How many days have passed since she's been here?

After her argument with Kris, she's fallen back into her clean-cook-sleep-hangout-with-Lancer routine with Ralsei, but with more sleeping than before. It suits her, and it's time to start all over again.

She scowls upon seeing Kris in the dining area, sitting at the table as stoically as ever. Ralsei is mysteriously absent.

She folds her arms, tipping her chin up so Kris can see her displeased expression. "When are you gonna get it through your skull that I'm not going back?"

"I know you're not coming back." They raise their hand up, revealing Susie's cellphone, and there's a hint of a grin in their face. "I brought you this." They toss it at her stiffly, and she only barely manages to catch it.

"How-"

"Noelle helped me. She kept your dad busy at the door and I climbed in his bedroom window. It wasn't locked." They're acting disinterested, despite obviously going out of their way to get the phone. Down here, it's not much more than a glorified paperweight and digital clock, but it's something.

"Oh. Thanks, I guess." It's been turned off, presumably to preserve the battery, and she distracts herself with turning it back on.

"I had to charge it," Kris says, blandly.

"You brought your phone, right?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't work at all here."

"Have you tried taking pictures with it?"

"No."

"Well, can you try now? If- if a new photo of me gets out online then people will know I'm okay and stop worrying about me."

"They're just going to think someone kidnapped you and made you take a picture." Kris retrieves their own phone anyway, raising it up to get Susie in the frame.

"Yeah, maybe, but at least people won't think I'm dead."

"True." There's a digital shutter sound.

Susie blinks. "Did it work?"

Kris turns the phone so it's facing her. "Yeah." Susie has to lean in to see the photo. Aside from the different clothing and hair color, she looks exactly as she did before she left her hometown: sulky, detached, and vaguely irritated.

"This photo might raise more questions than answers for a lot of people."

Susie shrugs at them and gives a noncommittal noise. "Don't really care, dude. It's not like they're gonna find me here."

"Everyone except Noelle and Alphys is about to stop looking anyway."

She folds her arms again. "I told you I'm not wanted there." Despite her best effort, she really can't work up the energy to put any malice behind her voice. It would be like getting angry that water is wet - it just is.

Now it's Kris' turn to shrug. "I'll bring Noelle here with me sometime. She's really worried."

"Heh. She'll probably think you're just trying to pull a trick on her."

"Probably."

Kris stands up. "I have to go back now."

"Oh."

"I'll see you later, Susie."

She nods at them. "Yeah."

They walk past her without looking back, though they pat her shoulder in passing as they go.

Susie looks at her phone again. The display informs her that it's four thirty in the afternoon. She sets an alarm for ten tonight. She turns it off before pocketing it and, instead of going back to bed, begins gathering up ingredients for bread.

It's good to get out of your routine sometimes, isn't it?

When Susie dreams tonight, her soul is exactly where it belongs. It glows at her, affectionate, and she smiles.


End file.
